The Roy and Mark sock story – it is how you look at it

Perspective plays a part in solving and creating conflict. I have a son named Mark. As Mark grew, he wore the same size sock as I did. He also wore the same kind of white socks. This created a problem of identification – a small conflict – whose socks were whose. We had a solution that turned out to create a little humor.

The solution was to put an M on Mark’s socks and an R on my socks – simple and effective. However, occasionally, an R sock would be found on Mark or an M sock on me. One day, a visitor noted Mark padding around in a pair of socks with two different letters. He scratched his head and said, “I don’t quite understand. You have one foot labeled right and the other labeled wrong.” Obviously, from his view, the socks appeared to be labeled R and W.

It is all related to perspective. Like the man who was reported to have been  fired from the M & M plant because he kept throwing away all those candies marked with a “W.”

That brings up some important rules in conflict resolution as related to perspective.

1. Some ways of solving conflict may contribute to confusion or new conflicts (R and M – or is it a W sock?).

2. Everyone has a perspective of the issue that is often governed by his/her position.

3. Those perspectives may be very similar, partially the same, or even opposite.

4. Each of us tends to believe our perspective is the perspective..

5. Each of us operate from our perspective.

To be a successful negotiator or conflict resolver, it is important to understand the impact of perspective. It is also important to learn to be open, accepting, understanding, and even encouraging of the perspective of others.


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From communication to negotiation - dealing with conflict

We have been talking communication for several articles. Let us switch to another topic – conflict.

Although sometimes not recognized as such, we all live in conflict. It may be as small as a difference of opinion at home or a disagreement at the office, and as significant as war. It may be a father who is trying to provide adequate finances for his family, but cannot find a job. Workers who want better wages or benefits, but find their employer unwilling. Employers who would grant employees better wages and benefits, but can’t find the revenue. Conflict is often found in team members who have the same goals, but different opinions on how to reach those goals. Since differences – conflicts – are found everywhere, how do we deal with them?

First, it is important that we realize the positive and the negative sides of conflict. Individuals caught in conflict often have the opinion that whatever it takes, it would be wonderful to be rid of the distraction. They believe that without conflicting situations, things would run smoothly and progress faster. In fact, that is true. If everyone thinks the same way, things do move faster and usually smoother. However, there should be other considerations.

While smoothness and speed have their place, many differences don’t respond to quick fixes; fixes can be efficient but at the same time not necessarily effective.

Secondly, in many situations, without conflict, little progress is made. The conflict created by the increase in gasoline prices provided the pressure for more efficient vehicle engines. The conflict between two teams on the football field results in an exciting experience for many.

The critical point in the many conflicts we encounter is how we deal with them.

In the old west, the six-gun was a popular way to settle conflict. It was efficient, but not very productive. L. Randolph Lowry, past Director of the Institute for Dispute Resolution at Pepperdine University relates an amusing conflict-settling approach.

Randy was driving in Boston. He relates that a couple of drivers in nearby cars were obviously upset with each other. They were making hand gestures and shouting at each other. The cars proceeded until they reached a red light. The drivers got out of their cars and started beating on each other. The light turned green. They got back in their cars and drove away. Mr. Lowry noted that he really could not argue with the efficiency of that mode of dealing with conflict – we have this disagreement, and we are going to pursue it until the light turns green, and then we are out of here. A very efficient system. However, its application is limited.

Next week: ways of dealing with conflict.

Foster Cline's "Laughing In The Middle Of The Night

At 3:00 in the morning, old folks stir. Hermie gets up to take her Airbourne to stave off any possible chest cold, and I’m up to download some coffee in the middle of the night ‘cause that just what old guys do.

So, crawling back into bed, Hermie, asking about my coming to bed after she had turned in: “Honey, what time did you finally turn in last night?”

“About 12:00”

With slight reproach, she notes, “You probably watched a movie.”

“Yeah, I watched an old Star Trek movie.”

“What was it?”

Admitting it wasn’t necessarily worth a two hours out of my life, I admit, “It was about a ‘B’”

“About a bee?” she inquires.

“Yeah, about a ‘B’, I respond.

To me, she was showing surprising interest in a scifi flick and she asks, “Tell me about it!”

“Well,” I answer, it was about a possible clone of Captain Picard, and the clone’s threat to the Federation.”

“And it was about a bee?” My gosh, I think, she really is interested!

“Yeah, about a B”.

Surprisingly, she wants to know still more about a Star Trek movie of all things: “Well, tell me about it!”

I answer, surprised, “You want to know more!?”

Well, okay, “The clone was working with the Romulans, but they turned on the clone, so it all worked out and the Federation was saved.”

“But where does the bee come in?”

“Honey, it was an okay movie but it just wasn’t that great.”

“Yeah, but I still want to know about the bee.”

“Well, the special effects were okay, but the acting and story line….. I don’t know… It was just dated.”

With a little frustration, out of no-where, it seems to me, she says, “Just tell me about the buzzy bee.”

And all of a sudden the light of mutual misunderstanding dawns on us both, and we laugh and laugh.

Hermie says, “You ought to put this in the monthly contest about miscommunication.” And we fall back to sleep.

Communicating - understanding the culture

Ever hear anything like this?

Working with BNT is no picnic and I smell a rat. They always want an arm and a leg, and Joe, the lead man, always has a chip on his shoulder even though he is all bark and no bite. Sometimes, I think they need a taste of their own medicine, but there is no sense in beating a dead horse. Working out a deal will be no piece of cake, but it should be profitable.  I guess we shouldn’t count our chickens before they hatch.

In today’s world market, language differences are a common occurrence. Merely speaking another language does not ensure effective communication. According to David Boyd who teaches Mandarin Chinese at the United States Air Force Academy, it is critically important to understand the culture as well as the language. Professor Boyd spent two years in China, living, speaking, writing, reading, and studying Chinese history.

Obviously, we can’t all spend extensive time living in different sections of the country and of the world in order to communicate more effectively. However, there are some things that will help.

First, be sure that the message you send is plain and accurate. Say what you mean and don’t confuse it with idioms. It is always good to have someone review a hard copy of important communiques. If your administrative assistant doesn’t understand, chances are, others may have a problem.

Second, check for understanding. Don’t ask:” does everyone understand?” Do facilitate a short discussion regarding the issue.

Finally, if you are the recipient of communication that seems to be confusing, ask for clarification.

And, by the way, English is not the only language with idioms. Be aware, and beware. So, in dealing with this area, my only comment is: break a leg.

. . . it is what they hear (part 2) – speaking their language

Continuing the idea we started: the focus in communication must be on the message received, not the message sent, let us look at language problems – starting with ours: You will need a CDL. Are you filing VFR or IFR? Make sure you bring the IEP to the CST meeting. Did HR collect his I-9 and make him aware of COBRA?

Sometimes we think of languages as being tied to a country or people – Spanish or French, perhaps even Chinese. That can present certain obvious problems; we will discuss in a later article. But, do we realize that even within our own language, there are some pretty confusing components?

Each profession and line of work has its language. They range from pretty simple – CDL  (commercial drivers license), to very involved – special education services (IEP – individual education program, CST – child study team) .

Although it is impossible to be familiar with all abbreviations and acronyms, if we are going to communicate effectively, we have to be aware  they exist, and that everyone may not be familiar with the ones used. Even more problematic are different understandings of the same letters – like the example below: the story of the water closet.

A newly married British couple looking for a house in the country, found one they decided was suitable. On their way home, the young wife happened to think that they had not noticed a water closet (toilet) in the place, so she decided to write to the real estate man about it.

Being very modest she hesitated about writing the word ”water closet,” so she referred to it as the WC. The real estate man interpreted it to mean the Western Church near there, and answered as follows:

Dear Madam:
    I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that the WC is located about nine miles from here and is capable of seating 1266 people; this is very fortunate indeed.
    If you are not in the habit of going regularly, no doubt you’ll be interested to know that a great many people take their lunch and make a day of it. Others, who cannot spare the time, usually arrive just in time, but are generally in too big a hurry to wait if the place is crowded.
    The first time my wife and I went was six years ago, and we had to stand up all the time.
    It might interest you to know they are planning to hold a bizarre in the near future to raise money for plush seats. I might mention that it pains me greatly to not be able to go more frequently. It surely is through no lack of desire, but as we grow older it seems more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. (The Wrong Bottom Line p.108).

To communicate effectively, be sure everyone understands not only any abbreviations, but also important terminology; not understanding may make funny stories, but not good businesses.

Next week: It is what they hear (part 3) but not what I meant.
   

It isn’t what you say . . . it is what they hear.

It isn’t what you say . . . it is what they hear.

●    “Turn right here.” said the local, sitting in the passenger seat. “Okay,” responded the driver, new to the area, as he began to make a right turn into a dark alley. “What are you doing?!” exclaimed the local. “I am turning where you told me to!” responded the driver.  “No, no! You can’t turn right here, that is one-way!” came the excited response! “You have to turn left!” “But you said to turn right!” exclaimed the driver.

●    You brought home chicken noodle soup instead of the desired cream of chicken. The order was for “chicken soup.” 

●    The philosophy was to treat the customers as special guests: give them a sample of candy.
    The server offered something the customer did not like or want. Instead of offering something else, she just withdrew the original.

Ineffective communication can be costly. You may want to review your practices.

First, understand that the responsibility for effective communication is the sender’s – the communication initiator. Effective means that what you send, they get.

Second, know what you want to communicate, not just what you want to say. We all know people who wonder around the point until the real message becomes obscure. The more vague you are, the more likely the message will be misread, misunderstood, or, in some cases, missed completely.

Third, know your audience – the person or people you want to receive your message. For example, powder means a different thing to a Mary K rep, a ski enthusiast, or an explosive expert.

Fourth, choose the method of communication that facilitates the message best.  Merely talking with the person or people, may suffice. For those ideas or requirements that are more important, or that might be misunderstood, written statements accompanied by your verbal explanation can make the difference.

Fifth, do a test run. Aircraft manufactures are required to test their planes on the ground and in the air, before commercial use. That allows changes to be made before the actual presentation. Have someone you trust read your material or listen to your proposal. Pay attention to their response and their advice. If the people close to you can’t understand what you are trying to convey, do not expect those farther removed to get the points.

Sixth, check for understanding particularly on critical points. Find out if the group or individual got the message. Do not use the time waster “do you all understand?” Do an upbeat test: “the point number one was . . .” The story about the girl at the candy shop is an excellent example of understanding the procedure but not the concept – the result of ineffective communication.

Effective communication is a skill that is critical to optimal success.

How effective are your hiring practices?

If you are in a leadership or HR position, or if you teach business students, make sure everyone involved understands and uses effective hiring practices. Good practices save money and time, and promote a positive reputation. Poor practices do just the opposite. Let me give you an example and some recommendations.

Recently, in answer to an advertised position with a well-known international company, an individual forwarded the appropriate materials. A couple of weeks later he was contacted and invited to come in for an interview. Although the distance was significant and would take a long day’s drive and an overnight stay, the applicant made the trip.

The interviewer was impressed and encouraging. However, the company was not quite ready to hire. The interviewee returned home. Approximately a month later, he was again contacted and requested for another interview. The company representative was very encouraging. Since the applicant was out of work, and would have to bear the expense of the travel and another overnight stay, and in light of the very positive response of the company representative, he decided to move his family to that area.

After the move, time passed – one week, two weeks, three weeks, four weeks, a month. While still encouraging, the representative related that they were just not quite ready to hire.

This is not a new story. Unfortunately, I am seeing too many of these. And, they aren’t about new businesses or those known to be inefficient or ineffective. On the contrary, these organizations have names recognized all over the world.

Here are some recommendations.

First, focus. Before adding to, or altering your organization, do a thorough review. Involve all appropriate sections. Determine exactly what you need and when it would be appropriate to fulfill that need.

Second, use the Canary principal (review: Getting the best ) have a specific list of required skills and attributes. That will enable you to be effective in evaluating applicants. This is particularly important at the interview stage.

Third, review with all interviewers, effective interview practices – specific questions, understanding glare, leading, etc. (review Glare  )(Who They Hired).

Fourth, have a timeline. If you cannot determine a timeline, you are not ready to open the position. That timeline should be shared with applicants.

Use appropriate hiring methods; everyone benefits.